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“Is He Helping You On Your Way Or In Your Way?”

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Being in a marriage often times leaves a person in self doubt or who am I mode.  And typically it seems to be the woman or if your that rare unicorn the less dominating person in the relationship.  Now I know there are strong women out there who just know off the back that they are the dominating person but there are a lot of instances where women will take a backseat in the relationship.  And before we know it that firecracker of a personality is now allowing the man to be a man in public and behind doors just to hold to that relationship.

The fear of scaring a man a away runs deep psychologically and without failure. I do believe that because we’ve conscientiously have pictured this ideal family and in order to keep that picture we must play the part.  Think about it, how many failed relationships did it take for you to say okay maybe it’s not them it’s me and I doing too much.  Granted some of us do take it too far and have a tendency to blow things out of proportion.  But the older you get the more things that use to set you off now doesn’t even phase you.   Well same is true about marriages/relationships.  Example, say for instance that having a dirty house rather it’s a minor mess or massive, irritates you to the core.  But over the years you have allowed the mess to pile up and clean it without a fuss.  Or a more drastic example, you had dreams and ambitious before you met your husband and literally put it on the back burner or changed your dream so that he can pursue his first.  Some of us have become stay at home moms, housewives, or taken a lesser job because we didn’t finish school or got to start that company idea we were sitting on.  How often have men taken a backseat to allow their partners to shine?

I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but in my opinion women do tend to be more passive in relationships just to make them last longer.  Of course, there are those special unicorns out there where the roles are reversed but I’m talking about as whole female population.  Now with that passive survival on, we tend to allow our inner beauty or inner flower to not flourish and deem.  In some cases, wither and die.   That’s why in so many divorce or major breakup cases afterwards women tend to go on a spiritual, an awakening, get my groove back journey to find ourselves again.  You know, the get the old me back, phase.  Men not so much, they tend to just go on as if that was just a phase and take the breakup harder later on.  Why women on the other hand tend to take it hard at the beginning.  I believe that is so because of the foresight we have or the ideology of the relationship we had is now gone.  Yes, it does tend to take men longer to realize the bigger picture of a woman’s worth.  Hence, why those songs were created in the first place.

Now after i said all of that I do believe that now women are becoming more and more in-tune with themselves regardless of their relationship status.  And with that growing flower, are finding out if their spouses are up to the task.  Women can do it all, I mean except the part about raising a man to be a man.  I do believe that a man can do that better.   But we are still doing it and crushing it at the same time.  Times are changing and women are at the forefront of the action.  Not allowing any man spouse, partner, child, father, or friend to slow us down.  We are realizing that our goals and dreams do matter and we want them to become a reality.  Now if that means leaving some people behind and so be it.  The best advice that I received and has stuck with me over the years is, “If they are not helping you be on your way. Then they are in your way.”

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90/10 Rule of Children

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Now by no means am I a psychologist nor a child guru but I do have a lot of experience with children. And I believe that children have a sense of how to drive their parents crazy by the time they form a brain in the womb. My baby knew every time I laid down to go to sleep and would start kicking and tossing just to drive me crazy. And it doesn’t stop there, the older they get the more nerves they hit. I have a toddler and at times I feel I have mission prone child that’s out to get me.

I don’t know what it is about my child and how I think but that dude has a vendetta out on things going smoothly in our lives. It’s like he can read my mind and be like okay I got you mom, I’m going to do the opposite. Think about it, every time you plan your evening out hoping to have a quiet relaxing evening when they lay down for a nap. BAAM, sugar rush and your child has never heard of such non-sense. A nap when did they invent that. Not today mommy not today. Or when you become overly prepare for the last 10 trips because you just know something is going to go wrong and you have to lug around all this extra baggage then nothing happens. But the second you say oh they have been doing so well and I’m only going to be gone for less than a hour. Then what do you know all hell breaks loose. And it’s usually within 10 minutes of leaving the house.

Let’s not get started about the potty training. Let me say just for the record, you mothers out there stating that it is so easy to potty train your little one must have missed all of the blowouts, wet floors, wardrobe malfunctions, and other unspoken chaos. Yes, it is funny now that it is over but when dealing with it in the moment it is literally the scariest confusing thing. Oh my the of a blow out at any given moment. Literally have you questioning what in the world did they eat and how much of it. Don’t let a lot of these YouTube videos fool you. Every child is different. But there is a glimmer of hope.

That wonderful 10% when they are angels and perfect in every way. From their cute little giggles, to the way the pronounce new words, to their best behaving selves (when their asleep). It’s nothing like looking into those big beautiful eyes knowing that you created a miracle and precious child. And the thought of going gansta behind someone if they try your child. The mere thought of any harm coming to them sends chills down your spine and you have to shake back into the moment. And to tell you the truth that 10% literally outweighs that 90% of pure torture all day everyday. And I love it just like every other parent who looks at their child with promise and encouraging eyes.

Yes, having children is trying and 90% of the time you are going to want to pull your hair out and scream. But that 10% is a magical thing to experience. Not only are you seeing it with your eyes but you are also feeling it in your soul. Connections with people are beautiful and the connection of parents to children is even more exciting. If you every wonder when something is happening and you just know it’s going on in that moment or that it has crossed your child’s mind and you stop it . That is pure connection people and it is a powerful thing.

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Should Marriages Have An Expiration Date Similiar to Driver’s License?

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So I was questioned about a video that I did, Vlog; Should Marriages Have the Option to Expire Every 4 Years? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbec1osyDIY. And basically I was asked about the effects about how a system like that should work and the countermeasures that should be in place due to the fact that people homes would be wrecked beyond repair. Now I am all for having a conversation about a hypothetical situation just as much as I love the discussion on real issues today. But this was a hypothetical proposal and was all opinionated. But I will entertain the situation and go more into details. And I would like to ask the question, is everything in today’s failed marriages fixed.

In other words, we cannot find a solution to every single problem in every single person’s life in the world. Think about, if there were solutions to everyone’s problems then there wouldn’t be so many inventions to make everyday tasks better, there wouldn’t be so many prescriptions written for the opioid crisis, there wouldn’t be so many psychiatrist and psychologist, doctors, teachers, and the list goes on. Hell there are solutions to some problems that we didn’t even know we had. But my point is there will always be a flaw in any new governmental law that is put into place. Especially for the ideas that have never been done before. We can’t talk about what if problems of a hypothetical law that will have an affect on families when the laws and customs that we have today also have effects on families now.

The only reason why this concept of having a marriage expire like a driver’s license came up was due to the fact the the divorce rate in the United States alone is about 40 to 50 percent. That’s literally saying that half of the people you know who are married have or will get a divorce. That is a shockingly high percentage. Especially on a country that pushes for family economical growth. Now financially for those whose careers flourish or profit off of divorces, I can understand why you may oppose the idea of a marriage expiring versus to going to divorce court. But if America was to every entertain the idea of marriages expiring it may actually have a better effect on people and their families. These long/short term marriages have devastating effects financially and mentally on the main parties involved.

Think about it, if two people who think they are in love and want to spend the rest of theirs lives together get married. But then find out the horrible truth let’s say 3 years into the marriage. Instead of paying thousands of dollars to get out of the marriage they can allow it to expire the following year without adding on the stress of financial burden. I mean if we look at states that recognize common law marriage we can say it’s kind of already into place. Of course, there are some restrictions or rules to the common law marriage but can technically be voided at anytime.

Temporary marriage/expiring marriage should work the same. If we went through the marriage process as normal, meeting someone, invested interest, intent on living til death do you part, building a family, etc. But found out sooner than later that it’s not going to work out then we should be able to walk away with the least amount of damage. Now in my opinion of this hypothetical temporary/expiring marriage I believe some rules and outcomes should be in place. For example:

  1. Obtain marriage license and get married as per requirements now
  2. Have the option to allow your marriage to be temporary/expire after 4 years
  3. If temporary/expire option has been chosen and couple decide to continue in marriage then court will deem marriage as full status or complete (whatever terminology decided)
  4. If couple decides to allow marriage to expire then couple will have to appear before judge stating that they will respectfully and agree that both parties should separate. This will allow families to not go bankrupt and have families be a bit more civil (again my opinion)

Now I know your thinking what about the effects it will have of career persons that have invested interest on marriages failing and the effects that it will have long and short term on children and family members. And to those facts I say unto you, how do you think families are doing now financially, emotionally, and mentally with divorce rates being high now. And those who are banking off failing marriages believe me just like everyone else who have fallen off the financial high wagon there will be other opportunities that arise within this suggestion that will allow them to be just fine. Just like any other careers that have been altered in the past due to major economic changes in America.

What would be so different with this adjustment. I do believe some people are so lazy and scared that instead of focusing their energy on being positive and coming up with a better game plan for when things hit the fan. They rather blame others and just sit there festering about how things were. Things change all the time across all spectrums and yet many of us still find ways to come out on top. But as stated this is a hypothetical situation that may never come into forewishion. But the concept or something similar may just work if the right thought and time was put into place to allow such an idea to prosper.

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The Rage Within: Violence It Shouldn’t Exist But Would Our World Function Without It?

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Rage, anger, violence, and/or wrath, whatever one would call their snapped moment or moments when they commit such heinous acts against others. Where does it all steam from? Has anyone every stopped and think to themselves why does anger exist? I mean I know everything is supposed to be balance hence the reason for happiness. But do we really have enough happiness to balance out the anger? Even if we are talking collectively versus individually. Is there a balance I mean a truly even balance?

Let’s think about it for a minute. If one compares how easy it is for them to get upset over something small versus how long it takes them to build up their happiness. Can we really say there is enough happiness to balance out or offset the rage that run rampant in the world? Or is that there is enough happiness and positive endorphins going around but social media just won’t let us be great? I personally believe that there are a lot people around who are truly happy but it is just their surroundings and things that we consume on social media. It is a lot easier for individuals to be unhappy when they are in a state of consist struggle.

Rather that struggle is paying bills, dealing with kids, your spouse, or spouse(s) for those of you who are bold, it can be very easy to sway a person into anger. Think about it, if you are doing something that makes you happy once or a couple of times of week. Then those days that you are holding on and looking forward to the next adrenaline rush of pure pleasure, it can be easy to get upset over small things. It’s almost like getting high on Mary Jane. If MJ calms you down and relaxes you then you are probably tense and anxious until you get your next hit. Now factor days and hours into the mix in between your relaxations. One can understand the reasons for anyone for just snapping.

Now I’m not saying everyone should go and get high or that may be the answer to your actions. But there are other fixes that can calm a person down. Such as yoga, working out, running, eating, cooking, painting, writing, the list goes on. Finding a niche and sticking with it can make a big difference in a person being calm all day or being on 1st 48. And believe me no one wants to see someone they now on America’s Most Wanted, First 48 Hours, Snapped, the news, or any of those Investigate Discovery shows. Sometimes I often wonder is it just as contagious as getting a cold. The risks are high with none to little reward in most cases. Not to mention the effects it has on your health and appearance.

I grew up being taught that my face would get stuck in a certain look if I didn’t remove the facial expression. But yet here I am 30+ years later and I still have frowns on my face. Mainly because I didn’t believe them and my face still hasn’t gotten stuck. Sometimes I wonder where a lot of the old wives tales come from before they were told to me. But that’s for another day. The real question is would the world truly be able to function without the emotion of rage? I mean what will that world look like and if it did exist is it safe to say that no one would be annoyed by the fact that everyone would be happy and living their best life.

But there is something major missing in this discussion. Religion, would it even exist since world wouldn’t technically need something to believe in since anger wouldn’t exist? Let’s think about it, religion is here to assist those of us who allow worldly things to get to us and we need our weekly fix in our belief in order to function properly. Some of us need to not flash out of every person and be irritate. Now that would be a very interesting world. Can you imagine no anger, no religion, no checks and balances of the mind, and no police and or people to cause catastrophic results. Actually the world would be shameful, pitiful, and a mute. So I can say that a little chaos is good just not overboard with it like we’re seeing today.

So in conclusion it is safe to say that violence is necessary in order to keep those in jobs, bringing about religion, allowing one to say thank you and learn from their mistakes. In other words wrath is needed to balance out humanity so that we don’t have enough plain janes around us. Beside happiness is born out of the chaos that is provided and vic versa.

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Empowerment of Women and Ourselves: You Deserve It Boo!!!!

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So I’m in a book club and the conversation about how women treat each other came up.  Basically, asking are you a bully or a protector? And most of us realized that we were taught to be tough either by strong female presence growing up or we fell victim to a strong female. We are all products of our environments and most of the time our environments are unintentionally teaching us to be mean girls.

For instance, for me growing up all I saw females being vindictive towards each other and seeing what pain we could inflict on each other. It wasn’t until my mom remarried and I actually got to see togetherness and empowerment from other women towards me.  Not to mention the unconditional love. As I went off to college I had to learn how to redefine what empowerment was not just for myself but to others around me.

It’s not easy to undo impressionable years of hate but with good intentions and better surroundings we can do anything we set our minds to.  Especially women, at times and throughout history we are the most mistreated beings on earth.  But also the most forgiving.  Remembering the pain and inflection that we went through.  It’s sad to see all the brokenness and struggle that we as women go through internally but it’s even more amazing to see the transformation.  The concept of being a better person or better woman in that matter it can be difficult.

I mean is it just me or does the universe intentionally try you when you’re trying to be a better woman.  It never fails every time I have a good talk or great women empowerment get togethers it’s like the universe says hold on ba boo-ski let me try your ratchet side.  And I have to do a countdown in my head to try and not snatch the woman who is trying me that day.  But hey we are all human and mistakes happen and we have to decide in that moment that we are better than that person trying to bring out the ratchetness in you.  But I’m trying and so should you.  Don’t let these crazies knock you off your horse and knock off your crown.  Be better, look better, act better, and know better because you are better and they are just jealous.  And we all know misery loves company.

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Love Dreams

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Love is beautiful,

Love is kind,

Love is vision,

And love is blind.

Love is life but love is death,

Love can make anyone feel their last breath.

Love is merciful,

Love can give meaning, but what is everyone’s love dreaming?

Love can easily be given,

But love can be taken away.

Love is weird,

We can’t help who it is.

Some would say that love can be evil,

Once opposites attract, oh Lord my dear.

Love is a language we try to understand,

But there are ones who cannot grasp love in their hands.

Love can be frightening, do you catch my drift?

Because without love we all will cease to exist.

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The Truth Behind Dieting and Lifestyle Changes

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So the new trend these days is weight loss, dieting, and/or lifestyle change. Whatever you decide to call the truth of the matter is that you will fall off the bandwagon and have a lot cheat days. What do I mean you say? Well, usually when you start a new plan there is a lot of, “you gotta stick to the plan,” or “there are no cheat days,” and finally my favorite, “you have to put in the work and there can be no slacking, this is a lifestyle.”

Well truth be told, you will fall off the bandwagon and have a lot of cheat days. But you have to also realize that those cheat days have to be made up. You know just like if you miss a day in school and it happens to be a test day. Most teachers and/or professors will allow to make up those test. The same goes for new lifestyle. Rather its for a specific time to reach a goal or a complete forever while your living change. You can make those up. The key is to make sure you have more deliberate and strict days than makeup days. Nobody wants to be missing out on the fun and let’s be honest, hot dogs, ice cream, cake, etc are most of time fun. It’s the after effect that we hate and a lot of people can quit cold turkey once that horrible cheat day hangover feeling has passed over. And they realize they never want that feeling again.

Me myself is not one of those people. I mean come on one expects me to cut out beef ribs, brisket, burgers, hot dogs, hot wings, crawfish (which I personally don’t think is bad anyway since they’re so small and take so much to even add up the calories), and some sweet treats maybe once a week. I mean come I live in the south for crying out loud, in Texas from which I’m a Louisiana born and raised. That in itself should allow me a pass every once in a while. And even though I have been seeing results come out slowly, I have been seeing results.

For instance, to offset my cheat days (which is usually around holidays and PMSing). I workout 6 days a week or strive for it. And I’m not talking about 20-45 minutes in the gym looking cute and flexing in the mirror. I’m in the usually around 1-4 hours. I go to spin classes, core, soul grooves, run 3 miles, C.R.T. (circuit resistance training), gluteus maxout, cardio kickboxing, just to name most. So believe me when I say there are days where I feel like I earned that peach cobbler. I mean I burning on average 2,000 calories a day. So a girl has to repleinse that fuel. I’m not running on flumes here. But you have to remember what you put in is also what you will get out.

For the most part if not all the time instructors and trainers always tell about those results with motivation speeches about sticking to the correct regime but they don’t tell you about the fall off days. But keep the faith it is a process and journey for sure. this change will keep you on your toes literally an just know that you are not alone in your journey. Don’t get discouraged just try to find ways to reassure and redirect those cravings and bad habits. Eventually they will either minimize or disappear altogether. Just keep in mind who or what your doing it for and keep that motivation until it becomes second nature. Just don’t hang yourself and believe that you are a failure, you’re not you just need a reminder.

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Inside Thoughts: My Personal Entry 1

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So I think something is mentally wrong with me. I have the nate desire to protect and be overbearing of my family. For some reason I have these visions or visual dreams of all types of bad things that can happen to my family. Especially, for the men, my son and husband. In this world the thoughts of what can happen can be so scary and horrific to the point that it will scare one to stay in doors at all times. But when the mind plays tricks on you even your home becomes a scary domain.

So to combat this fear I pray. I simply just pray the visions away and the bad drama that can occur. I do believe in the law of attraction, therefore, thinking that something terrible can happen will allow something to happen. And I’m just not up for that, I cannot handle the possibilities. So I pray the thoughts away and replace them with great thoughts of old age and happiness. Thoughts of wealth within and outward no matter the economic status.

So for every dark dream or vision, I replace each with the double vision of happiness and what is to come. Without giving doubt that the happiness will prevail and put the horrible visions far out of my mind. Preparing for when they come back. If even a small hint of darkness creeps up, I just pray and redirect my thoughts.

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Comfort Zone: It’s Your No. 1 Failure

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You’re probably wondering why someone would say that your comfort zone is your failure. And why anyone would think it deserves the number 1 spot. Well, it’s simple, if you take a mirror and look at your life right now, can you say there are things you wish to add but it’s not necessary? Are you ok, with the way things are going and hope nothing major happens to throw you out of whack? Then you’re in a comfort zone no matter how you slice it.

I remember growing up my dad would always tell me that at any point I can come home. And that was enticing and comfortable to know that I always had a crutch to lean on. But he also would state that two women cannot be queens in the same castle. In other words, if I chose to move back home then it was apparent that me and my mother would klash all the time. Because I would have to remember that even though I am grown I am not grown enough to where that living with my parents would suit my personality. And that right there gave me the push to always stay on my toes and grind. Now it didn’t mean that I was always successful because at some point I did have to move back in with parents just not my parents. And a 9 month plan turned into 6 months and out. I was determined to be queen of my own castle. Again, my personality is something else.

But that is that comfort zone being shook until your head hurts and your stomach aches in pain constantly. Even if your life is well accomplished and you don’t have to ask for anything. If you have that constant idea that keeps popping in your head over the years and you think there is no chance. Just continue to wait, the universe will force you out of that comfort zone eventually and then my friend you will have no choice but to take that leap of faith. For example, I recently watched on a talk show that a man had been working for 15 years approximately as a sales rep and all of sudden lost his job. He had stability and a great income with no problems but in the back of his head his passion was for cooking. All of a sudden the company went in a new direction and laid him off. Now that comfort zone he had for 15 years was gone. So guess what, that nagging idea he had has no choice but to take the leap because at this point he has nothing to lose. Now I’m not saying that something as drastic as getting fired has to happen. Maybe you don’t like your job at all and everyday that you are there is enough to push you out of your comfort zone to work on your craft at any spare moment. The sheer thought of handing in your resignation letter is enough motivation to get you moving.

So next time you think everything is cozy and comfortable just make sure you have done absolutely everything your heart has desired. That way the universe won’t have to shake things up for and force you to re-think your life’s choices. As long as you have breathe in your body it is not too late. Heck I even read about a man who was in his 70s or 80s that became a millionaire again after selling his first business and hitting rock bottom. There’s stories about elderly people who go back and get a college degree. There’s another one about an elderly couple having a child after years of failure. So instead of letting the universe shake up your world in a harsh way. Shake it up yourself and strive for the best you. You should always be in beast mode or hustle mode in everything that you do. Taking opportunities to learn from every experience and failure and turning them into stepping stones. That is how leaders and separated from the following pack. You are great… see it… feel it… and become it.

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Surviving Your 1st Year a Marriage: It’s a Tough One But If You Make It Your Good

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So you’re married and your anniversary is coming up…your 1st year of marriage is coming to a end. Surviving your 1st year is going to be crucial in how the remainder of your lives is going to play out. Granted if you and your spouse have been together for some years before you said your “I dos,” it may be slightly easier. Even if you have been together for a good minute the moment you say those vows you now have to re-introduce yourself as Mr. and Mrs. The title of marriage is another threshold that the world for some reason respects more than your single non changed name. But the only thing you need to remember about surviving that first year is the fundamentals of making it as a couple.

  1. Everything you do represents you as a couple. In other words you can no longer go out in public and act in any kind of way. Everything you do in public will also reflect your spouse. Now if you and your spouse act the same then as long as it makes both of you happy then keep on my friend and enjoy.
  2. You both have to exist in the same space. Normally, singles can just pick and go or leave at any point in the relationship. But once married you now have to strategically look at all outcomes of your decisions. Because those decisions can affect your partner and those in your household.
  3. Adjusting to marry life takes some getting use to. Now granted if you have been living together or cohabiting as some may call it. This may seem like an easy transition. But just like everything around you that evolves so does your relationship. You now have to think about bank accounts, name changes, being called Mr. or Mrs. on a regular, being able to make decisions legally on your spouse’s behalf. When you evolve as a person you also have to keep in mind that your partner is as well. Therefore, keeping a great line of communication open is helpful.
  4. Be prepared for more doors opening for the both of you. Remember when I said that society views marriage in a positive light. Well, once the I becomes a we, you will notice that a lot of more doors will open up as far as credit and companies taking you more serious. This is because society views marriage as a commitment awesomeness. So when a company sees that you are married you therefore, means that you are not afraid of commitment. In turn more doors may just open up for you.
  5. Your finances will be tested. Now this a more serious hurdle. Since most marriages fail to either infidelity and/or finances. It is especially important for you to communicate with your partner about your intentions and goals for your future. You have to make sure that both goals line up for your future in order to survive marry life.

So representation, existing as one, adjusting together, seizing opportunities, and financial goals are all important aspects of surviving that 1st year of marriage. Once you have those figured out the remaining years together are a little bit easier. Everyone does not have a fairy tale ending unless you work for it. Marriage and relationships are full time careers. If it is something you love then putting in the work won’t feel like a chore. And you will definitely love doing most things for your spouse and your well being. So if you want the amazing love story make sure you’re writing the best love story for to be told.