Disagreements…
Tech “NO” Relationships
In today’s society it’s so easy to meet new people and learn everything about them at the tip of your fingertips. But how well can you really get to know a person by reading their life story online instead of connecting with them on an intimate level once you meet them? Are we so disconnected socially that relationships are only composed of causal friendships and one night stands? Think about the last relationship you had. Did you spend more time communicating and keeping up with your partner electronically? Once you were with that person did you only have a short intimacy and then were consumed with tv and electronics? If you’re answering yes to most of these questions then your next relationship will be completely different after reading this.
Here are a couple of things you can try the next time you are around friends and family just to do a trail run to see how things go. Your next gathering instead of everyone having access to their phones ask them to put their phones on silent and enjoy a wine tasting or meet and greet. Now your probably wondering why you would do a meet and greet with family and friends of people you already know. But do you know them based on the info from online or them telling you directly? Having a meal with friends and family to talk about things that are happening that week or that have already happened gives you a sense of how people really feel. This also enhances your abilities to read body language and gauge people emotions. You can express thoughts without someone taking it in a text the wrong way. Being connected mentally to a person allows you to understand people on a level that you can never get electronically.
Now your probably saying that you’re not always on your phone. But seriously you do. You know how I know you do? Because either you or someone in the group is always posting online for the world to see how much fun your having. But why does it matter to the world of how much fun you have? See we’re so consumed with what everyone is doing on a constant basis that we miss the real life connections and experience right in front of us. Think about it, how many missing persons photos do you come across on your timeline? How many people you know even as young as 5 years old don’t have cellphones? How do we miss the creepy person that has been following you for the last 3 or 4 stores? Or the kid that may just be a little overweight because they rather play video games or be on electronics than to go outside? It’s because we have decided that all the info we need is via online even a person that you have never met. The first thing people do is look up that persons social media account; rather its Instagram, Facebook, twitter (maybe not), or Snapchat. How many blind dates have you been on and when you met the person they were nothing like their profile? People can create so many lies and catfish others into believing that lie. But if we sharpened our communication skills outside of our electronics then there wouldn’t be such a disconnect.
Meeting people on a social level can be exciting and thrilling. You will be surprised on how well your communication skills have developed. That fright that you have standing up for yourself can disappear. Giving a speech that you wrote out so perfectly wouldn’t be so hard if your social skills were better. The next blind date that you go won’t be so nerve-racking if you are able to read that person’s body language. You may be able to tell if they are actually into you instead checking their social media every few seconds. Knowing if a person just wants a causal relationship or if they actually want a more deep and serious relationship is helpful.
So next date or family and friend event you have. Make a rule of no phones unless it’s an emergency or you can say that no post can be posted. Whatever the rule is to make the day or event a more tech “no” night….lol. Believe me it’s beneficial for everyone involved. You may also find out that you don’t like people who you call friends as much as you thought you did. Or it may draw you closer. Remember secrets and personal info should never be shared over any type of electronic device, that’s called evidence. Look all I’m saying is that it is nice to get to know a person for who they really are, not who they want to be via social media. You can be catfished even if you have known that person for years. People can change over time. If it’s your spouse have date night without electronics. You can do dinner, bike rides, fair/carnival, or even walks together. Ask each other about short-term and long-term goals. What is their aspiration? What is your aspiration? Just remember this instead of always trying to capture the moment, be in the moment. The world does not always have to know.
Thanks for reading…..SimplyBetty101
5 Goals for a Successful Relationship: 1. Communication, 2. Time, 3. Shared and Separate Interest, 4. Common Goals, and 5. Emotional Investment
So, you’re in a relationship you really like this person and they could possibly be the one, you hope… but something is not right you’re always arguing and at times you feel as though you hate their guts and a good smack up against the head would be delightful. So why not just leave? The moment you try to step out of the door something always stops you, this my friend is a connection that you just can’t explain, and it compels you to stay. Now you must give this relationship at least one more try with your full attention and investment, but you don’t know what to work on. Being that I have been in a relationship with the same person for over 10 years, I can give some insight. And let me tell you the relationship started as if we were getting a divorce but luckily, we were smart enough to know something was wrong and that we wanted to work on it, so we talked it out and here we are 10 years later. Now the advice that I’m about to give is not something that can be done overnight and/or zap it’s all fixed; these are things that will take some time, patience, and most importantly understanding. So, let’s get started. The first thing you need to be mindful of is your communication with one another.
Being able to understand each other’s mind state is great knowledge for communication. In other words, if you and your partner are in an argument and suddenly one of you gets so flustered that you can’t speak or one of you are almost to the point where things are about to get a lil physical, STOP. This is where you want to make sure that you are aware of your spouse’s state of mind, de-escalating things beforehand by taking a step back, breath, and evaluate the situation. Even if you must pause the disagreement for a couple of moments for each of you to possibly write down what it is that is currently bothering you and what you would like from your partner as a possible resolution. Remember communication is not just for you to get your point across and that’s the end of the conversation, it’s a gateway for you to understand how your spouse thinks and operates as well as them understanding you in the same context. Now of course you are not going to agree on everything and you will have to make some compromises on both sides…let me repeat that last part. YOU BOTH WILL HAVE MAKE COMPROMISES FOR THE BETTERMENT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. That is just a fact, but even some of the things that you dislike may over time be something that you may enjoy. For example, I love veggies and fruit, him on the other hand not so much, but over time with me introducing vegetables with dinner, constantly eating it around him and asking him to just try it. Now he’ll eat a salad, asparagus, cauliflower and amongst others; it also helps that he is a fitness nut. He still isn’t thrilled but at least he can tolerate it better. And you never know, something that you dislike may become a passion. It’s also important to take interest in things that excite one another, something that you each are passionate about. Remember when I stated that he was a fitness nut well me not so much. I hate the pain that you’re in, thinking about the pain that you’re going to be in from exercising, and the extreme pain from the next day, but as the years have gone by and I have looked at my body and the things that I have put in it, all that has changed. Now I am also a fitness nut more so on the things that my body consumes; still I work out because I want that bomb.com body now that my son is about to be two and I’ll be in my 30s before I know it. So be interested in what each other is saying it really does count.
Now that you got the communication down its time to put in…well… time. A relationship is like a job or a hobby that you are interested in, you must put in the time to get things right. Make it a priority of being together. Yes, I know you are like most people, you wake up, you go to work, you have a little social time, you come home, possibly cook, clean, or want that alone time to just relax and before you know it’s time for bed. You may even be too exhausted for any sexual activity (maybe…or you have no worries… but wait until kids come into the picture, those with kids understand) and bam you wake up and do it all over again. Now guess what, here is where the nagging as some men would call it or some women if you have that awesome guy who likes to spend time comes in. Each of you are so exhausted and worked up you can’t seem to fathom why your so upset and angry. Let me ask you this, do you have set time where it’s all about each other and to discuss why you’re in a relationship in the first place? Or do you have the set time such as date nights every week? If so, are you in such a routine that now date night even sucks? Well just like your job or hobby where you’re constantly doing and trying new things to perfect your craft, those same rules apply to your relationship. You have to understand as you get older your interest changes just as your partner’s does so in this case try something new, instead of dinner and a movie try horseback riding, going to a gun range (yes a lot of chicks dig that), spend the night at a fancy hotel as if your cheating on your partner with your partner, role play meeting each for the first time in public places, go to wine tastings, make your own beer, or a cooking class, something that is outside of the norm but that one or both of you are interested in doing. This in turn will keep the excitement and may also just turn on that excitement juice for some of you couples out there who may be in a dry spell. Remember time matters, you don’t want to look back on what you should’ve done when you can look at what you can do now.
Now that you got the communication going and your time on point…LOL it’s the perfect time for your shared and separate interest. Your shared interest is great to incorporate into spending time together and your separate interest is for when you have time apart. Yes, I know I said spend time together, but you also need that time apart as well, it’s just as important. Now that doesn’t mean you have to be apart from each other days and weeks at a time but let’s be real you need enough time by yourself to know yourself. How are you going to know if there is something that interest you if you never have time to think for yourself? Let’s be real say for instance for an entire week every waking moment someone has been around whether it was at work, at home, the car ride anywhere, etc. Now when you go on date night or in the company of others the moment things start to get a little boring you start… DAYDREAMING of things you could or want to be doing. Now are you thinking back to the time your mind started drifting and you don’t know what that person said it’s because you didn’t have adequate time to yourself to just think. This time away allows you think and have a different perspective on things that may have been giving so many troubles and for some reason you just couldn’t get it at the time, it’s basically allowing yourself and mind to reset and be prepared mentally and physically. Let me be clear, you don’t need that much time maybe a couple of hours or a day to yourself where no one is bothering you, and you can enjoy your favorite show with a glass of wine or a little online shopping, whatever you do that you can detox from the world is a good thing. Some of you already have a system, if you are like me working on my lunch break I break in my car, alone or I take a day about once a month just to myself and then I’m good, I can run like it’s no ones’ business.
Now that you have mastered the other steps it’s time to make sure you have common goals. Obviously, you are going to make sure that you and your partner are working towards the same goals in life. What I mean by that is, maybe you’re not married, and you want to make sure that you work out the major kinks before you take that big step and make your relationship official before friends, family, and religion (if that applies to you), gets in the way. Or maybe you both want to live together, now you must decide apartment, house, décor, and location. It could be that one of you is going back to school. If everything is fine the way, it is then what are the long-term goals? Now you see why I said communication, time, shared and separate interest are all important, because at this point this can make or break many relationships. Even if you have mastered everything else but your goals are completely different this can be the straw that broke the camel’s back, or it can be a new horizon for your relationship. Who says that you must give up on love just because your goals are different, it may just be that it’s not the right time for each other. Right person just wrong time, but if that urge, that feeling, that knot you get when your apart from each other for too long overwhelms you then you my friend are emotionally invested which leads to my last point.
Being emotionally invested means that you have given your all and now is the time to put those COMPROMISES in place, to communicate to each other how you feel about your goals and interest, list the pros and cons and take in your partners concern. My readers if you can make it through all these steps I promise you that your relationship will succeed and if it doesn’t then it wasn’t the right person because their interest or goals may not have been the same as yours. In relationships you will take a loss, but you will always be a winner with the person you were meant to be with. Yes, it is a lot of work but so is just living every day. Being yourself is a lot easier than trying to conform to someone that you are not just because you are in love with the idea of the person and not the person themselves…there’s a difference. It’s going to be hard but so is working for a company or doing a hobby. I don’t think you were just awesome-sauce when you first started, you had to pick up some skills and work at it and continue your craft, well the same is true with relationships you must keep at it and try. I know that maybe a lot of information to take but so is taking in someone else’s life and merging it with your own to make this wonderful power couple. So gradually working on these five goals of 1. Communication, 2. Time, 3. Shared and Separate Interest, 4. Common Goals, and 5. Emotional Investment, your relationship will thrive and other will just envy your happiness.
Thanks for reading…SimplyBetty101