Tag: unwanted thoughts

Being a mother is a wonderful experience and you can find plenty of blogs and post about the different challenges that comes with it. You can even spark an entire conversation with someone random about it. But what about pregnancy? Sure there are plenty of blogs and posts and books about the physical changes and what to expect, but what about the mental? For women and men both it can be a challenging concept to wrap your mind around. So I thought I would share some insights.

Now if you are one of those women who have always dreamed about kids and are planning everything down to when to get pregnant and with whom then this too can be of some use. Society just assumes that once a woman becomes pregnant that we can deal with it and keep going. But in reality for a lot of woman there is a tug of war going on in our minds that is pulling in more than one direction. I remember when I found out that I was pregnant for the 3rd time, I was in shock. Not just because I was pregnant but because this was the 3rd one and I only have one child. See I had two failed pregnancies before and I didn’t want to be too excited and I was completely and utterly sacred. All those what if questions started popping up in my head and I freaked out, mentally. Not to mention that after the second pregnancy I went into depression or postpartum depression and I didn’t seek help I just processed pain the best way I knew how, working and being alone.

See the first pregnancy took a lot out of me, though it is kind of funny story now. See when I found out I took 3 Clear Blue pregnancy test, all which literally said pregnant, called the my doctor’s office for her to tell me that this is one of the most accurate test on the market, and that I’m actually pregnant. To me telling my future (now) husband and seeing his face of shock just like mine. To me jumping into my truck, driving 4 hours back home to my parents for the next 3 days. To me getting there telling my mother first who was ecstatic, until she saw my face. Then going to an abortion clinic to get tested, only to have the lady hand me a piece of paper that said, “EDD 4/14/2014.” At which point I asked her what did “EDD” mean, she said the most dreaded words I would’ve ever heard, EXPECTED DUE DATE. And finally me going into shock. I didn’t hear anything after that. I was terrified, no mortified that my life was about to change drastically and I wasn’t ready.

See I was the girl growing up who helped my parents out with my younger siblings, all which are boys and so damn bad, at that time. So I said to myself and God, that I didn’t want kids. And when I met my now husband he also had the same goals. I wanted to travel and go out and do whatever I wanted. I was getting my masters, working, and was living very comfortably. Both of us were. Not only was I not mentally ready, neither was my body. Soon after that I was sick as a dog. I mean throwing up, always nauseous even before I would get out of bed. I just felt awful, not to mention the questions running in my head….

How on earth did this happen?
Am I really about to be a parent?
Would I suck at it?
Is the next 18 years of my life really going to suck?
Can my spouse handle it?
Will I be a single parent?
Can I afford to be a parent?

All kinds of questions were going through my head and then the moment I started to feel just a smeggit of excitement and announce it on social media to family and friends, the unthinkable happened. Right at 12 weeks my body rejected the pregnancy, my little girl. I was heart-broken. Yes, it was tough to wrap my head around being pregnant and giving birth and of course my life wasn’t where I wanted it to be but I was going to do it and commit not matter the outcome. And to have it taken away was devastating. Not to mention the fact that I didn’t even give my body time to heal. Literally, 3 days after getting a D and C I was back at work and school. Throwing myself into whatever it was I was doing before I got pregnant. My thought was, that God was telling me I wasn’t ready and to get myself together, no biggy. And then 2 months later I miscarried again.

The difference this time, the week I found out I was pregnant is also the same week I miscarried and I was only about 4 weeks. Now what made this so traumatizing is the fact that I didn’t get another D and C done because I didn’t have the PTO and time to do it and we (my doctor and I) thought I would just passed the fetus through my cycle. Boy were we wrong, see I miscarried either late December or first few days January. I took the Pitocin pills to induce labor around my cycle to passed at home. But I went into labor in April. Yes, months after it was all over and done, so we thought, I went into labor at home in the middle of the night. The contractions were unreal. Now I know some of you are going to say maybe you got pregnant again and didn’t know it. Well according to tests, ultrasounds, etc they all showed otherwise. It was later found that it was the fetus of my second pregnancy. See my fetus never came out during my cycle in January and after that night my cycles were off the chain. I mean going into mini labors and pushing tissue out on the last couple of days, off the chain. I had to eventually get another D and C done, and this is what broke me mentally.

I said all this to explain that I was mentally spaced/checked out. I literally went into depression. It was not a safe place. I questioned everything…

How can I, a woman, given that the sole purpose of a woman’s body on God’s green Earth, not carry a child?
Is this punishment for stating that I didn’t want any?
How can I be with a man if eventually he may want kids? And I can’t provide that?
Is this a sign showing that I am an unfit mother?
Would I even consider being married?
Am I wasting my life away?
Am I wasting his life and time being with him?
Will another woman come along and show me up/out?
Are we suppose to be together?
Did I miss some opportunity?
Is it because of this cervical cancer overhead?
Is it because I had cervical surgery prior to the first pregnancy?
Should I even exist if I can’t bear children/child?
What is it? I’m so lost and alone.

People don’t realize that some of simplest things to them are terrifying to others. And I’m pretty sure each woman who has ever been pregnant has had some type of anxiety attack in their heads about pregnancy, birth, motherhood, postpartum, the list goes on. I know some reading this may say, “well how is it that women can talk about everything else but not topics like this?” Well simple, no one wants to be the first at being a Debbie-downer or party pooper, why would I ruin someone else’s day with my problems that I can fix on my own. And the truth is we can’t always be that strong person all the time. Where would that help come from? Me personally I didn’t want to go to some group therapy and talk about my experience with other women who also were having problems the same as mine. I don’t like letting people see me that vulnerable. I don’t like letting the outside world looking into my thoughts and personal feelings. I am not just a book or someone’s note session, but I will admit that can be a downfall. No, I didn’t talk to a therapist but I did talk to my spouse and close friends who also had the same experiences. I found out that I wasn’t alone if I would’ve at least tried talking to them first before shutting everyone out. But I do understand that everyone isn’t as supportive as you would like and it is a delicate situation. But it can have a devastating effect on yourself and those around you. So seek help before you seek the end.

Thanks SimplyBetty101

Postpartum depression
Also called: PPD

Requires a medical diagnosis
Symptoms might include insomnia, loss of appetite, intense irritability, and difficulty bonding with the baby.
People may experience:
Mood: anger, anxiety, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, mood swings, or panic attack
Behavioral: crying, irritability, or restlessness
Psychological: depression, fear, or repeatedly going over thoughts
Whole body: fatigue or loss of appetite
Cognitive: lack of concentration or unwanted thoughts
Weight: weight gain or weight loss
Also common: insomnia